Why You Need Friends Who Disagree With You

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain an idea without accepting it."

-Aristotle

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."

-Leo Tolstoy

I have a friend, someone I have known for many years, with whom I have a few very fundamental disagreements about how the world works, or, at least, how it should work: politically, morally, intellectually.  A few times throughout the course of our friendship, she has said things, not on purpose, that stung, things that made my blood boil, things that made me want to scream.  One time, I got carried away in anger, lashed out at her and her beliefs and we both ended up sulking, brooding and hurting, over our margaritas and half-priced appetizers at, of all places to be having a serious discussion, the bar at TGI Fridays.

I'm usually an extremely easygoing person and my reaction and inability to cope with the situation at that moment surprised even me.  Even though it was not intentional, the words she said had hurt me and I was blinded by an instinctive emotional response and unable to think clearly.  Needless to say, it was not one of my prouder moments.  I will not delve any further into the details of the discussion because, honestly, it would only be a distraction from what the real conversation here is about.

The point is that we all have opinions about how the world works (or at least, how it should work) and some of these opinions and beliefs, for whatever reason, strike us down to our very core.  Maybe we feel that these issues are somehow deeply tied to our own lives or we have watched the struggle of our family and friends against a system that is unfair, unjust, un-right.  Maybe we feel that the safety of our family or our job or our values or our very way of life is at stake.  And when somebody doesn't agree with us, it offends not only some vague "idea" that we hold, but also the very center of who we are.  It is not just our ideals at stake, but ourselves.  I don't know what this issue is for you: gun control, gay marriage, the environment, abortion, immigration, healthcare--for whatever reason, these things become so deeply embedded with our individual identities, that they can blind us.

It's okay to be engaged, it's okay to have strong feelings and it's okay to be hurt, but it's wrong to attack someone else for their beliefs.  It's equally wrong to diminish that person as a human for their beliefs or to write them off as stupid or hateful or ignorant just because their worldview does not align with yours.  

I have heard people nonchalantly say that they judge their future friendship with people they just met based on their political party affiliation on Facebook.  I have heard people, on both sides of the aisle, proudly touting their partisan-ism, saying that they don't think they could ever have a serious conversation, let alone be friends, with someone who disagrees with them on this issue or that issue.  And I have three words for those people: shame on you.  Can we now reduce a nation of people to just one of two categories? "Republican" or "Democrat." "Conservative" or "Liberal." "Right" or "Left." "With Me" or "Against Me," that is, "Right" or "Wrong" depending on your point of view.

An inability to empathize and understand beyond your own narrow worldview (and, compared to the whole realm of human experience, our worldviews are necessarily narrow) is not something to be proud of but rather, in my opinion, a symptom of both moral and intellectual weakness.   It may be true that there are some people in the world who are "evil," who are working against the better interests of humanity and using this philosophy or that philosophy to justify their malicious intent.  But to automatically consign to that category our friends, family, neighbors, co-workers who disagree with us is nothing but an excuse for our own inability to engage and empathize. Moreover, it is an act of cowardice, yes, cowardice, and nothing less.  I'm not sure what about civil discourse has become so intimidating and so unfashionable.  Are we scared of our own vulnerability in a world that is much bigger than we are?  Are we afraid of growth?  Change?  Are we afraid that we might have to acknowledge that this issue and, therefore, the world, is not simply as black and white as we imagined?  "Gray" is ambiguous and, moreover, terrifying.  And it takes an awful lot of courage and strength to stand face-to-face with the uncertainty of the gray area.

If we take a moment to consider the situation, to account for the complexity of the world and the diversity of the American (and the greater human) experience, we wouldn't find it so crazy that someone else, given the same information, could draw a different conclusion.  If you are going to demand that someone walk a mile in your shoes, you better be willing to walk a mile, or even two, in theirs.

Which brings me back to the bar and the margaritas and TGI Fridays.  After a few very tense and awkward minutes of un-constructive, but much-needed sulking, we started the conversation again with a more conciliatory and re-conciliatory approach.  Neither of us had changed our views, but together we changed the tone. We discussed why this conversation was painful and, more importantly, we actually listened to what the other person had to say, not with the aim to refute, but to understand.  It was not an easy conversation, but it was a productive one.  It was useful not in the sense that either of us managed to change the other person's mind or that someone "won" the debate, but in the sense that we were both able to walk away with a better understanding of the other person's experience.  

Civil discussions are like good friendships and relationships in that they should not be treated like a zero-sum game, where there has to be a winner and a loser and nothing in between.  Rather, there should be some give-and-take, tempered with understanding in a way that ensures that both people are able to grow, or better yet, flourish.

Will my dear friend and I ever agree on this particular issue?  I recognize that neither of us, no matter how many times we have this conversation, is likely to change her mind and I accept that fact.  And with that acceptance, I release any pressure "to win" and start to focus on what I can learn.  My friend, after all, is an extremely intelligent and compassionate young woman and there is still so much that I can learn from her, that we can learn from each other.  Most importantly, when tempers have cooled and margaritas are finished, I realize how deeply I value her insight and friendship in my life.

Ultimately, as individuals, we do not have much control over all these "big questions" that our 21st-century society is in the process of answering and we have even less control over those people who disagree with us.  But what we can control absolutely is how we approach people whose views differ from ours and, in particular, the tone of our conversations when we disagree.  And these conversations, I humbly believe, could begin to change the world.
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Just a few examples of how life-changing a conversation can be:

1.This article by Shane Windmeyer, an LGBT acitivist, on his un-expected friendship and ongoing dialogue with Dan Cathy, the COO of Chick-fil-A.

2. This true story from the podcast "Snap Judgement" told by Daryl Davis, an African-American pianist who describes an even more un-expected friendship with a KKK leader.

So I challenge each of you (and myself too because I am also far from perfect) in these coming weeks, to embrace discord and disagreement and above all, to listen and understand.